This week, today, we’ll start with the pictures. It’s a process GIF. I like making process GIFs. I like watching process GIFs.

You’re welcome.

These Days …

Sometime early on Monday morning, my friend Rae died. I got the news as a text from her brother at 7:49 am PST. I’d been at work for a little less than an hour.

The news was expected, even, sadly, honestly, a little welcome. She’d been fighting pancreatic cancer. She’d been in hospice since early April. The last week she’d been mostly unconscious due to pain relievers. I’m told she hadn’t eaten or drank anything for that week.

The text was brief, ending with three words: “no more pain”.

Pain had robbed her of so many things. Her enjoyment of food. She loved to eat. She loved trying new flavors, new cuisines. The last few months she could barely stand to eat and had no guarantee that anything that went down wouldn’t come back up.

Pain made walking impossible without help. Pain made her unable to use her clever hands – hands that had mastered pottery, beading, jewelry making and so much else. No more pain was good news. No more Rae? Painful news.

I finished sorting my route. I loaded my truck. I did my job. Throughout the day I texted the news to the people I knew that I didn’t think her brother knew. I set my grief aside.

Tuesday was the Fourth of July. A postal holiday. Sarah is still in Mississippi helping a friend deal with family medical problems so I had the house to myself. That would have been a perfect opportunity to let myself feel grief. I did chores. I wrote a little more of my memorial of Rae. A friend had invited me to hang out with her family if I was up to it. I didn’t really feel up to it but hanging around the house by myself wasn’t doing me any favors. I went and had a great time.

Wednesday I was back at work. We were down 21 routes so I carried extra. It was a long day. Rae’s obituary was published in the Fairbanks Daily News Miner. You can read it here.

Thursday was a short work day. That is, I only worked the designated 8.5 hours. At this point my grief is set well back. I know it’s there but it will take an effort to get to it. The issues that Sarah is dealing with take precedence. I can have an effect there if only by listening to her talk about what she’s managing. Rae’s obituary didn’t mention a memorial service. I’m not in position to go if there was one.

So here I am this Friday morning. There’s a draft of memorial for Rae waiting for me. Writing it is a reminder that I don’t have a great memory. Maybe that’s biological. Maybe I’ve just never practiced remembering things enough to have good memory muscles. There’s so much I’ve forgotten. In talking with friends these last few weeks there’s a lot that I don’t think I knew. She was always in motion. She made friends wherever she went. I don’t know most of them. That obituary is the facts with a limited word count. It’s a glimpse of the person I knew. I want to read a good memorial of her. I want the memory of her to be available. I want someone else to do the work. I can’t wait for that to happen.

Grief is love that no longer has a place to go. I read that idea recently and it fits.

Thank you for reading my ramblings this week. I hope you are well and that the summer heat is bearable where you are. See you in seven.